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Grey Rock Method

Grey Rock Method

Several members of my Heal The Hurt” Facebook support group have contacted me recently telling me that they’re either living with, married to, or raising children with their abuser, and that going “No Contact” is not an option for them at this time.  And while going no contact is always the best option to heal from a toxic relationship, as it not only keeps you from further abuse, but it also allows your body to release the toxicity that you have been exposed to, there is another option you can use to minimize the negative effect your abuser is having on you.


And knowing that several of my readers here are also going through the same kinds of issues, I thought I would share that option here as well…


It’s called going “Grey Rock.”  The Grey Rock Method is a technique that allows you to reduce the amount of toxic behavior from the other person, while better protecting yourself from the psychological effects of their abusive words and behavior.



The GRM involves a number of behavioral choices on your part, that are used in response to the other person’s abusive, controlling or manipulative behavior. The idea behind the method is that you keep your “head down” like a grey rock, and blend into the environment.  You starve the person of any reward, supply or emotional responses, by remaining in a neutral state, regardless of their behavior.


By not responding to your abuser in the same emotionally charged ways you have, up until now, they will not find their interactions with you as stimulating and will tend to focus their time and energy on someone else to get their needs met.


Grey Rock Behaviors Include:

* Speaking in a monotone voice/- little to no inflections
* Short, concise, matter of fact answers to questions/- no elaborating
* Stay on boring or surface topics if you must engage in conversations
* No engaging or defending yourself from their insults
* No more personal information/- don’t feed them ideas to hurt you further
* Little to no eye contact/- unless absolutely necessary
* Showing no interest in their dramatic stories.


The two things that you must know about this method are:


1) It takes time to reprogram your abuser, so you must be consistent, a day or week isn’t enough to change things.  You have to commit to this new way of being to make your abuser become bored with you.


2) It’s NOT EASY to do.  As empathic people, we are use to being more emotional.  So, don’t get upset if you slip up.  Just forgive yourself if you do, and start the method all over again.


Best of luck + please let me know of any questions you have in the comments section.

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